To Forgive Is Divine
by Ultrawoman
Summary: Set in early Season 7. Another of my angsty moments, short but I think necessary Buffy fights with Xander over his opinions of Spike and what happened between her and Spike in the bathroom in Seeing Red...


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A/N : I really like Xander, but I got so sick of him mentioning what Spike almost did to Buffy, whilst seeming to completely forget that other people do bad things too, and get forgiven, himself included...

Title : To Forgive Is Divine

Author : Ultrawoman

Rating : PG-13

Spoilers : from 6.19 Seeing Red through 6.22 Grave, also 1.6 The Pack

Disclaimer : All BtVS related stuff belongs to the great Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and other important people and companies, that are not me.

Summary : Set in early Season 7. Another of my angsty moments, short but (I think) necessary - Buffy fights with Xander over his opinions of Spike and what happened between her and Spike in the bathroom in Seeing Red...

To Forgive Is Divine

"I can't take this..I am so sick of you bringing up something that you know nothing about!" Buffy raged at her friend like she never remembered doing before now, but she just couldn't hear Xander snap about Spike and what almost happened in her bathroom months ago. He seemed to take every opportunity to mention it when all she wanted to do was forget it.

"I know enough, Buffy" her friend snapped back "I know I found you in ripped clothes sitting on your bathroom floor, all tears and bruises, it was more than obvious what had happened"

Buffy sighed, her tone much calm when she spoke again.

"Maybe it was" she admitted "but you don't know..." she trailed off as she remembered all to clearly the diabolical way she had treated Spike for months before.

"I don't know what?" Xander pressed, watching Buffy's back as she faced away from him "Come on, tell me the part that's so important that I don't know"

"You want to be told?" Buffy asked angrily, spinning around to face him again "Fine. Spike was the only person I could turn to" she said coolly "For such a long time he was the only one who understood, who I felt comfortable with. He could make me feel when I was less than alive..."

"And that gives him the right to force himself on you?" Xander interrupted with a nasty look.

"No, I never said that" Buffy shook her head "but I did it too" she pointed to herself in exaggeration "I went to him for sex, I used him, even when he didn't really want to...I wouldn't let him say no to me"

"You're telling me Spike refused your 'offer'?" the brunette air quoted "That's a joke" he scoffed.

"I'm serious Xander" the Slayer assured him, hands on hips and not at all amused "He knew I was using him and he didn't want me that way, he wanted all of me or not at all..." she remembered all to clearly Spike's words to her several times, "but I more or less forced him into it" she laughed humourlessly as she continued "and then I beat him up for daring to care about me. You can't treat a person that way and except hugs and puppies in return"

"But that's the point Buffy" Xander said nastily "he's not a person"

"No" the blonde snapped immediately "he is, he's a man, just like you are"

"No" came a snap from the brunette now "not just like me I would never..."

"But you did" she interrupted before he'd even finished, shocking Xander immensely.

"What?" he asked her, incredulous, he'd never...

"You pretended not to remember" Buffy started to explain, her voice quieter now, but her anger still evident in her eyes "but Giles told me that you did remember it all. It might have been a few years ago Xander but it's not something you forget"

There was a silent moment when the two friends locked eyes, anger evident in hers, shock in his, as too many memories came flooding back.

"I...I can't believe you're comparing that" he said just as incredulous as before "the hyena thing? I was possessed by a demon!" he yelled in his defence.

"And so is he!" came Buffy's equally loud reply "Or he was, kind of still is...it's complicated" she shook her head to clear the fog that fell there every time she considered what or who Spike really was.

"He _is_ the demon, Buffy" Xander seethed but Buffy continued to shake her head violently in protest.

"No, that's just it, he isn't" she argued "Vampires aren't just demons, they're human beings with the demon inside them. Even before he got his soul back, Spike was still William, just with a bad thing inside of him" her voice became more calm as she realised she truly believed her defence of the vampire "I'm not saying that all vampires can be good people or that the demon made Spike do things against his will, but it made him forget what right and wrong was, made everything grey instead of black and white. Now he has his soul, he's even more of the man and less of the monster than ever..."

Only half listening to Buffy's words, Xander dropped down into the nearest chair with a thump.

"I can't believe you'd compare what he did to what happened with us" he said quietly, still in shock.

"It's almost the same thing" Buffy told him seriously "except I never provoked you to do anything..." she added without thinking.

"So I'm worse than him" her friend exploded again "I don't believe this!"

"I never said that" Buffy back-pedalled fast "but just think about it. I forgave you because you had a reason, we've forgiven Will for trying to end the world for crying out loud, and you can't just cut Spike a little slack?"

Xander had to admit it had been hard to forgive Willow, but he'd done it because she was sorry and she'd only behaved that way because she was hurt...then he understood what Buffy meant. Spike had been hurt too and now he really was sorry...

"He felt so bad about what he did he went and got his soul back" Buffy continued, not realising she'd already made her point "and he still feels guilty...you, you just pretended not to know what you did to me"

"I'm sorry" was said in a whisper, Xander would have said it louder but his breath and voice both escaped him.

"For what?" the Slayer needed to know.

"All of it" came the response, with little more volume than his other answer.

"I don't want you to be sorry" Buffy told him, her voice much softer now, she really didn't want to argue with her best friend "I just want you to understand" she explained "I'm not asking you to love Spike, or even like him, I'm just asking that you put the past where it belongs, in the past, and let us all move on"

The friends eyes caught each others again and they understood each other.

"I can do that" Xander nodded slightly "if you can" meaning not just Spikes crime now but his own too.

With a small smile Buffy hugged him close.

"I already did..." she assured him "I always do"

---The End---


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